My friends, I'm glad to say I have found my calling. I am going to quit my job, buy a whole lotta C4 and a large dildo - a 3 footer, shaped like a dragon's dong, with realistic spurting motion (bet you thought no such thing existed huh? Stick with me, I'm on the internetz). I shall then buy a ticket to the States, stalk Stan Lee for a while until I figure out which cave he's hiding in these days. I will shove the aforementioned dildo up his and hook that baby up to the nearest water source to give him the enema to end all enemas, maybe he'll recover some of his mind back.
I will then rent a car, drive my way to the Disney headquarters, spread a generous layer of the C4 evenly around the building, and blast the thing to the Moon. I will then barricade myself in the crater, hold the company CEO hostage, and my demand for letting him go alive and delivering myself to justice will be that not again, for as long as the company exists, another abomination such as the one below is born.
Seriously. I've started screaming as soon as I laid eyes on it and I'm still screaming on the inside. I saw this on Saturday. My inner child has gone inside the closet again and it's being Hell to get her back out. She's been in there so long in fact I think she turned into Kanye West at this point.
Okay. Usually I'm not one to take things too seriously - some parts of that clip, I accept, are a bit funny ('Tis Hammertime!!). This is also comics after all, and comics are meant for kids, (not all they ain't - you ever heard of Milo Manara? Yeah...) and Marvel has done much bullshit on their own, without Disney's aid. But seriously... "Time to Hero Up?" I'm the first to enjoy parodies of the stuff I like. The Marvel Universe is no exception. My problem: a parody this ain't. This is the new Marvel Universe series for the kiddies - this is to the new generation what the 80's X-Men series was to us. It's being aired. If you thought X-Men: Evolution, the X-Men movies (that one in particular seems to have been written by a 14 year old fanboy with a serious case of the runs) and Wolverine and the X-Men (better than I expected, actually) were a load of crow, take a gander at Disney's approach.
What in the name of all that is good and holy happened?! You're killing my goddamn childhood! The Internet can get away with that, you can't! Come on, Marvel! Even amongst some of the worst plotlines you guys made, you had some meaning. You just tossed it all to crow by chibifying everyone, making it politically correct and jumbling your time, space, character depth and-
Look, I'm not even gonna rant about this. I'm a fangirl, I'm supposed to rant, but I'm gonna stop here. This is a different toon for kids who have a different notion of "great". I'm a 20-something woman, who am I to judge cartoons? Stan Lee lost his mind, Marvel lost its balls and shit's marketed to brats to whom the concept of "old-school cartoon" means Dexter's Laboratory. Different generation, that's it. Back then we liked different stuff, this is actually what kids nowadays want to see... shit, this generation blows. It took us years to see some blood in Marvel comics that actually looked like blood, and now this.
Ah. And obviously we have a different notion of what a "cool theme song" is, too. Biker Mice From Mars had a cool theme song. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had a cool theme song. The Ghostbusters had THE theme song. Hanna Barbera's Swat Kats had a better theme song. Street Sharks blew the big one as cartoons went, it had a better theme song than that! Seion out!
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