Or not. I never thought it'd come to this, but I must actually apologize to J-Lo. After seeing this masterpiece of straight-to-vid'ness, The Cell looks like the best thing I ever laid my eyes onto. I know there's not much merit in being good, when compared to a straight-to-vid actress, but as far as I'm concerned, my perception has been altered. J-Lo did a great fuckin' job, all things considered. So consider this as far as I'll go in apologizing to the singstress (singer plus actress. Get it?) J-Lo for my usual bantering and all the witticisms I ever made with her name, nickname, album names, song names and lyrics, dancing moves, worn bling, car, husband, movies and anything else with her on it.
Long story short: our dear Maya (Tessie Santiago) is a pretty woman stuck in the middle of a bunch of rough, tough policemen who don't believe she can do what the plot demands she does for a movie to even exist. She can access the killer's memories by waltzing around what looks like the Amsterdam red light district with several flat screen TVs going haywire on the sides. And she can do this with everyone, but him particularly because she was his only surviving victim, so they're "in tune". Because she has a personal grudge about it, she decided to help the police (Chris Bruno and Bart Johnson are the only ones that matter to the point, but there's a load of them) catch him before he kills again. Oddly enough, she takes turns refusing to help and demanding to help, whereas the cops take turns in wanting her aid and not wanting her aid. For all we know, everyone in the flick is bipolar but the killer (Frank Whaley). Hailing from 2009, this piece of crap was directed by Tim Iacofano, who also did a few serials including 24... really? He should've stuck to the serials...
But hey, I've already said too much: from here on, you'll be able to access the subconscious mind of SPOILERS, but read on anyway. There isn't much to spoil, and let's face it: you don't wanna watch this, and the only reason you might is to see if you agree with the review or not. Ah, whatever, keep reading.
So the flick opens with a brief explanation of the past movie, the whole "get into the killer's mind" thing, in mockumentary style, after which we are assured that there is no J-Lo in this one and we can rest. I already know this will be bad. Your opening scene is cut from the past movie, I can already see the effects are shittier than in the past movie, probably due to a [J-]lo' budget (I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. Last one, I promise). Actually, allow me to rephrase that. The effects are shit. There isn't even a comparison. One of the highs of The Cell was color, symbolic, striking and put to good use. It reminded me somewhat of Peter Greenway's movies: you watch The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover and you have a specific usage of color to convey a message beyond, yet connected to the movie plot. The Cell 2 thought it had good enough actors, a good enough plot and the creeps to spare, so it tossed the palette out the window and replaced it with a tone very popular in cinema and gaming media these days: crap brown. Everything is crap brown. I don't care if the movie is set in a dust farm in the middle of Dubai, I hate the crap brown filter. She's supposed to be in the mind of the killer or the victim. Any color able to be conjured by human imagination is fair game, so why isn't it?!
A few moments later, I realize this has been fucked more than I thought it had. So instead of roaming around the subconscious and perceptional reality of the killer, our psychic du jour can instead access its memories... whoa, whoa, whoa. Halt the bus and back up. Is it possible the concept has been thrown out the window as well, hence why the crap brown filter? (the crap brown filter supposedly gives everything "realism", or so was said to everyone in visual media industry) Absolutely. Although I wanna go on record to say they realized they fucked it up by movie's end and tried to save it at the last minute, by going down the same lane as The Cell did: a big showdown between the killer and the heroine on a subconscious level. Which was pretty useless, seeing as she was already being saved in real life so... no, I don't wanna go on record saying it. I stand by my original opinion. They fucked it up.
There are a couple of things in this that are the watermark of straight-to-vids. I know this because Mum used to work in a movie rental store and I know my straight-to-vids. I could list you a few and in fact I shall because I've nothing better to do:
- Gratuitous nudity - not even side boob, just plain boob, to keep the audience interested while the movie doesn't warm up, but not enough for a proper R rate. It's irritating as Hell.
- Midway through the movie, our heroine goes from frightened lil' Bo Peep to emasculating Lara Croft, throws police protocol to the wind, whacks a cop on the back of the head and goes commando with the local sheriff because well, someone has to get the results.
- 80's style car chase, complete with ramp jump. In fact, it was a fruit stand away from being a true blue 80's car chase.
- 80's style foot chase in which nobody is seen running (skipping at best), but everyone ends up gasping somehow. The chase-es also escape in the most asinine possible way.
- I've seen cartoons with a less staple soundtrack. Even the (supposedly) scary chanting is generic.
- Romantic interest between the heroine and the sheriff (who's been in the latest conflict, be it 'Nam, Gulf, Iraq or WW2 depending on what year it is for him to still be good-looking). Out of nowhere and for no better reason than being together in two chases on the same day gets some people in the mood. Movie obviously ends with a "first" kiss between the two, and the happy couple going off into the background.
- Comic relief mortician who speaks to his dead. You can't hold a candle to her, brother.
- "The ole' chemical factory outside of town" - read, the very convenient ole' chemical factory located just outside of town. Where they are the second after. For a huge showdown. I actually backed the movie to see how we got over four or five major events plot-wise in a matter of a few seconds. It's like the script people figured the heroine must be in place X alone NOW and they didn't care how she did it. So slam-bam, there she is. Straight-to-vids live on major scenes which they think will look grand and usually go right over the minor ones, no matter how important to the plot they may be.
- Yellow, costy, high flashing fuckin' car. Police officers and psychics are getting an obscene income these days I see.
- Stupidest execution method possible. The killer has a knife to the heroine's throat. There's a cop with a gun aimed at him. At the last minute, the heroine pushes her captor away and gets out of the bullet's way scott-free. If she could do it, why didn't she do it sooner?! And if the killer knew he had a loose grasp on her, why wasn't he true to the threat?! And if he saw the shot coming, why didn't he just stab her?!?
- DA CHOPPA! How it ended up here? No idea. Why is it being used in a scene when there are so many cars around? Does it matter? We have DA CHOPPA so blast cars!
If you saw The Cell you also know a different voice mod was used when the killer was in his "second" personality, his "God" persona. It helped the idea that there were two different minds in that one body, that the "God" persona was independent from the killer. They tried to pull this trick here as well... only crow knows why. Our killer obviously has no second persona. He is the same ninny in his mind he is in reality. There is no logic in trying to give him a second voice.
Instead, our heroine gets one! From emasculating Lara Croft, she finds something down inside her head that actually deserved a different voice - the Queen of Sabbah in Pantyhose, Great Bitch of the Abyss, Holy Shit We're Doomed. And she gets revenge in full!
As the credits roll, in between more crap-brown landscape, obviously captured from DA CHOPPA because we can see the paddles on the upper side of the screen, we're treated to some more ugly, staple music. And some more generic, meaningless chanting. And scenes from the making-of, about production trying to run one of the cars which seems to have died mid-scene, and the landing of DA CHOPPA after a particularly intense moment (why were these even featured here?!This is the stuff we see when we tune in to the coverage of the filming! This works with outtakes in comedies, not bullshit on a poor thriller!) After which it is finally over.
And I'm left sitting here in this chair, with a few burnt cigarettes and a lot of heartburn from this bastard straight-to-vid child of a half decent movie, wondering whom I can forward my indignation to, to get a refund on the hour and a half of my life I lost here. The movie's only an hour and 20 minutes long, actually. The other ten minutes is footage they shoved in between the credits so people would sit, waiting for something more to happen, and find out who is responsible for this bloody thing. Not that I needed any incentives, mind you. I was gonna sit through the credits anyway to figure out whom I'm adding to my black list.
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