The Three R's That Destroy Horror Movies

As a fan of the genre, I know a good call when I see one, like the fact they picked Jamie Lee Curtis for H20 and decided to stop faffing about with the Halloween franchise and finally be serious. Likewise, I also know the bad ones when they start to stink. Namely, every Halloween they did after the second movie, before and after H20. Over the years, I have compiled and double-checked the many ways in which one can wreck a horror movie, or any movie. And I'm here today to tell you about the three R's that destroy a franchise beyond repair, and which have become very common these past few years.

The three R's that destroy horror flick franchises (as well as several other genres) are as follow and color-coded by offensive force: the Remake, the Refresh and the Reboot. There are plenty other traits that will kill, cook and eat a movie, but these are particularly pungent. And I decided to approach them because they're basically three different aspects of horror modernizing, and have become as common as coffee for breakfast in the past decade or so... unfortunately, all symptoms point that this will happen in the present decade a lot as well.

The Remake: Fanboy-ism at its Best

Strangely, out of the worse things someone could do to a horror movie, a Remake is not the worst. If you came into the article waiting for me to bitch and moan about every single remake I saw being shit compared to the original, however, you did come to the right place. I am yet to see one remake that does best than the original movie did.

Remakes happen because most of our iconic horror comes from the 80's or 90's, or even further back in time. Jason Vorhees, Mike Myers, Freddy Krueger, Chucky, anything related to or nodding at The Exorcist, the works. This new generation's horror icons are the Jigsaw Killer, the crazy bitch from Ju-On and the rest is generic. And this is fine. However, most people young enough to be directing belong to the past generation, and they wish to somehow bring their icons into the modern days. Why? I haven't the faintest. Maybe because they were big back then and these directors are striving to keep them alive. Maybe because they're horror purists and still believe CGI is the work of the Devil (and in some movies, it is).

Ultimately, perhaps, because the things that kept you awake at night back then can't hold a candle to the things that keep this generation awake at night. This is the generation that finds The Exorcist a shitty movie, when there were people fainting in the theatre at the debut. This is the generation that shrugs at the classics and doesn't find them scary. And so, in comes someone, be it a studio looking to make a buck, or a fanboy of the franchise (Rob Zombie, I'm looking at you) who decides to remake an old horror movie, and make it so it will scare the living shit out of the new generation. So basically, a remake is a fan's way to homage his fandom, and there's nothing wrong with that. Wait. Yes there is.

Remakes are a by-product of fanboy-ism not unlike fanart or fanfiction, with the difference it's absolutely legal and profitable. If you check, most remakes were made by the same kind of person who does comic book adaptations: the guy who walks in to an interview and the first thing he says is "I used to love this when I was a kid", or "It scared the shit out of me when I was younger." The original people behind the horror movie, namely, the ones who make it work then, are all gone or retired. So the fanboy tried to show us how he looked at the thing himself, and what he thought would look cool. And I give, some fanart is slick, some fanfiction is readable, and some of these movies may turn out fine. But instead of using shit everyone else has milked and exploited, why not use those freely flowing creative juices to make up new shit?!

Because we're not sure new shit will make a profit, and we're sure all the fanboys of the same franchise will go and watch a Remake even if out of curiosity. I know this. I'm a fangirl myself. Every time a new Wolverine thing comes out, I must watch it, no matter how shitty I know it is from the start. If anyone else picked up Poison Elves where Drew Hayes left off, I'd read it just because it was Poison Elves and I wanted to see what the new author would make of it. Silent Hill games keep popping out like babies out of a welfare mum, and I keep playing them. And I know they're shitty. So why am I doing it? Because I'm a fangirl and I want more of my chosen franchise no matter how much they maul it! I will read, play, watch and check every new material on my favorites, even if my sole purpose in doing so is checking what manner of bullshit they're injecting into it now. I sat through both Transformers movies because of this. And the directors who do Remakes are people like me: they pick up their favorites and try to do something with them that will homage the original, when they should be working to make up new, good things!

I can't call it a worse offense because I know these people. I'm them. And while some of them are dumbfucks who twist the franchise until we can't recognize it anymore, some others are genuine fans who are well aware their work cannot compare to the original, but tried anyway. It's bad, make no mistake. But read along: it can be worse.

The Refresh - Turning the "Back in the 80's" Into a "Could Happen Tomorrow"

The Refresh is sometimes confused with the Remake, and often a consequence of the aforementioned. We live in a world in constant change: a decade ago, nobody would conceive carrying a computer around everywhere, and two decades ago, not everybody had a cellphone. GPS became popular in the past decade, but only a few had access to it when it first showed up. When I was young, house alarms costed a fortune, so my parents just bought better locks and sturdier doors, and my father kept a bat by the side of his bed. We lived in a bad neighborhood.

And one thing you see in horror movies all the time (except for the ones who depend on a sci-fi staple for plot and progression) is a lack of modern technology. Surely, if your heroine had a cellphone, she could call for help. Naturally, if they had a GPS, they wouldn't get lost in the woods. Maybe because someone got tired of the brats saying "Uh, like, this would never happen today because we have cellphones to call for help and GPS systems so we won't get lost and electronic house alarms so nobody would get in.", the Refresh was born. Why aren't the old classics scary anymore? Because the new generation can't relate to them. They grew up in a world where you can reach help anywhere through your cellphone. These days, it's rare to find a spot that doesn't have network coverage. So yeah - this would never happen to them.

Refresh is making the movie that was happening in the 80's happen today. So we can show the brats that technology can't help them, and yes, this could still be you running in the dark from a guy with a power saw. Plus how will they relate to people who were popular in the 80's but now look like dorks to everyone under the age of sixteen? They'll never root for the hero like this, so they won't be scared. This is fine: we're becoming up to date.

No, it's not fine. You just took a film out of context and tried to force-fit it into the new generation. You ruined the film for those who knew the original context, and still can't reach the newer generation because they simply aren't scared of those things anymore. They're desensitized, they need things they never saw before, as opposed to things they're familiar with ever since they were born! And doing a refresh implies you expect the audience to take this "newer" version as the canon one, and forgetting the other fifteen movies the franchise had before. It's a way to spew out more sequels that don't fit in with the older ones. Now, in order to make the film work, people in it need to be dumber, and tech needs to fail everytime. Yes, she has a cellphone, but no battery. Yes, there's a GPS, but they lost it in a stupid way. Yes, there's Internet, but the network just died. Right.

So if you missed your bullseye and disgruntled the ones who saw the originals, what was all this for? Instead, make up new scary shit! Why was Ringu such a success? Or One Missed Call? Because they took advantage of something brats take for granted: tech. It's not tech that fails, it's tech that actually turns against them. This is the key element: find out what scares them and use that! Crow!

The Reboot - Because We're All Better Than The Ones Before Us

Worst offender by far, lowest of the low, most inconsiderate, most uncreative, public enemy numero uno, the dickhead to end all dickheads.

First and foremost, franchises should be allowed to die. And die gracefully. Friday the 13th has been dying for twenty years. It would appear the studios are trying to make a parallel to Jason himself: it keeps coming back. It was good. But now it's over. That's life. Deal with it.

Now, let us define the Reboot. It's part Remake: pick up something old and try to pay homage to it. It's also part Refresh: make it updated for the newer generation. But it goes further. It canonizes itself. It's not just a new take on something old: it's the item, period. Let me give you a practical example: Star Trek! They picked up an old franchise, one they couldn't milk anymore, and made it so that none of the older stuff fits in with the new one! They basically scrapped everything Star Trek that was ever made, and told the fans, "Oh, from now on, this is how it went. Forget all you've ever known about it, it's useless, doesn't apply anymore, we'll release some more stuff soon." To that I say, go wank in a corner and get outta here!!

What right do these guys have to tell us everything we know and love is crap? What right have they to pick up the creativity of others, the thing others before them did, and push it aside like it meant nothing!? These self-important jerk-offs suddenly come in and say the original people behind a franchise didn't do a good job, think they can do better and without any further ado, release a film that invalidates everything that came before! How can this shit be legal?!

And now you come in and tell me, "But Seion, you wonderful, delicate flower, Star Trek and other reboots do recognize the old stuff. Star Trek needs everything else to make sense. And Shattered Memories is a direct consequence of all other Silent Hill games!" And I answer you can go wank in the same corner as the others, buster. Let franchises die! I would rather never see anything Star Trek in my life again, than see some asshole pushing the Reboot button on it and hoping I will take his work as the canonical start. The same goes for Silent Hill. Imagine I make a Halloween movie. And instead of respecting everything the past ones have set, I just say Mike Myers was really an alien and so that explains why he's unkillable (oh - and someone tried to do that, in fact. Twice!). Just so I can make the story fit my own conventions and milk the franchise a little more! Again: let franchises die! Stop picking them up from the death bed and butt-fucking them to inject some life force into them anally, and then introducing them as new!

Halloween is the very worst offender as Reboots go. They tried to revive it by changing the story and scrapping all the crap in the past twice. It did not work. So why keep doing it? Let it die, wank in the corner for a while, come up with new stuff, and then come back to me!