"The Cell 2"

Alright. So, The Cell 2. Let the J-Lo bantering begin...!

Or not. I never thought it'd come to this, but I must actually apologize to J-Lo. After seeing this masterpiece of straight-to-vid'ness, The Cell looks like the best thing I ever laid my eyes onto. I know there's not much merit in being good, when compared to a straight-to-vid actress, but as far as I'm concerned, my perception has been altered. J-Lo did a great fuckin' job, all things considered. So consider this as far as I'll go in apologizing to the singstress (singer plus actress. Get it?) J-Lo for my usual bantering and all the witticisms I ever made with her name, nickname, album names, song names and lyrics, dancing moves, worn bling, car, husband, movies and anything else with her on it.



Long story short: our dear Maya (Tessie Santiago) is a pretty woman stuck in the middle of a bunch of rough, tough policemen who don't believe she can do what the plot demands she does for a movie to even exist. She can access the killer's memories by waltzing around what looks like the Amsterdam red light district with several flat screen TVs going haywire on the sides. And she can do this with everyone, but him particularly because she was his only surviving victim, so they're "in tune". Because she has a personal grudge about it, she decided to help the police (Chris Bruno and Bart Johnson are the only ones that matter to the point, but there's a load of them) catch him before he kills again. Oddly enough, she takes turns refusing to help and demanding to help, whereas the cops take turns in wanting her aid and not wanting her aid. For all we know, everyone in the flick is bipolar but the killer (Frank Whaley). Hailing from 2009, this piece of crap was directed by Tim Iacofano, who also did a few serials including 24... really? He should've stuck to the serials...

But hey, I've already said too much: from here on, you'll be able to access the subconscious mind of SPOILERS, but read on anyway. There isn't much to spoil, and let's face it: you don't wanna watch this, and the only reason you might is to see if you agree with the review or not. Ah, whatever, keep reading.

So the flick opens with a brief explanation of the past movie, the whole "get into the killer's mind" thing, in mockumentary style, after which we are assured that there is no J-Lo in this one and we can rest. I already know this will be bad. Your opening scene is cut from the past movie, I can already see the effects are shittier than in the past movie, probably due to a [J-]lo' budget (I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. Last one, I promise). Actually, allow me to rephrase that. The effects are shit. There isn't even a comparison. One of the highs of The Cell was color, symbolic, striking and put to good use. It reminded me somewhat of Peter Greenway's movies: you watch The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover and you have a specific usage of color to convey a message beyond, yet connected to the movie plot. The Cell 2 thought it had good enough actors, a good enough plot and the creeps to spare, so it tossed the palette out the window and replaced it with a tone very popular in cinema and gaming media these days: crap brown. Everything is crap brown. I don't care if the movie is set in a dust farm in the middle of Dubai, I hate the crap brown filter. She's supposed to be in the mind of the killer or the victim. Any color able to be conjured by human imagination is fair game, so why isn't it?!

A few moments later, I realize this has been fucked more than I thought it had. So instead of roaming around the subconscious and perceptional reality of the killer, our psychic du jour can instead access its memories... whoa, whoa, whoa. Halt the bus and back up. Is it possible the concept has been thrown out the window as well, hence why the crap brown filter? (the crap brown filter supposedly gives everything "realism", or so was said to everyone in visual media industry) Absolutely. Although I wanna go on record to say they realized they fucked it up by movie's end and tried to save it at the last minute, by going down the same lane as The Cell did: a big showdown between the killer and the heroine on a subconscious level. Which was pretty useless, seeing as she was already being saved in real life so... no, I don't wanna go on record saying it. I stand by my original opinion. They fucked it up.

There are a couple of things in this that are the watermark of straight-to-vids. I know this because Mum used to work in a movie rental store and I know my straight-to-vids. I could list you a few and in fact I shall because I've nothing better to do:

• Gratuitous nudity - not even side boob, just plain boob, to keep the audience interested while the movie doesn't warm up, but not enough for a proper R rate. It's irritating as Hell.
  
• Midway through the movie, our heroine goes from frightened lil' Bo Peep to emasculating Lara Croft, throws police protocol to the wind, whacks a cop on the back of the head and goes commando with the local sheriff because well, someone has to get the results.
• 80's style car chase, complete with ramp jump. In fact, it was a fruit stand away from being a true blue 80's car chase.
  
• 80's style foot chase in which nobody is seen running (skipping at best), but everyone ends up gasping somehow. The chase-es also escape in the most asinine possible way.
• I've seen cartoons with a less staple soundtrack. Even the (supposedly) scary chanting is generic.
• Romantic interest between the heroine and the sheriff (who's been in the latest conflict, be it 'Nam, Gulf, Iraq or WW2 depending on what year it is for him to still be good-looking). Out of nowhere and for no better reason than being together in two chases on the same day gets some people in the mood. Movie obviously ends with a "first" kiss between the two, and the happy couple going off into the background.
  
• Comic relief mortician who speaks to his dead. You can't hold a candle to her, brother.
• "The ole' chemical factory outside of town" - read, the very convenient ole' chemical factory located just outside of town. Where they are the second after. For a huge showdown. I actually backed the movie to see how we got over four or five major events plot-wise in a matter of a few seconds. It's like the script people figured the heroine must be in place X alone NOW and they didn't care how she did it. So slam-bam, there she is. Straight-to-vids live on major scenes which they think will look grand and usually go right over the minor ones, no matter how important to the plot they may be.
• Yellow, costy, high flashing fuckin' car. Police officers and psychics are getting an obscene income these days I see.
• Stupidest execution method possible. The killer has a knife to the heroine's throat. There's a cop with a gun aimed at him. At the last minute, the heroine pushes her captor away and gets out of the bullet's way scott-free. If she could do it, why didn't she do it sooner?! And if the killer knew he had a loose grasp on her, why wasn't he true to the threat?! And if he saw the shot coming, why didn't he just stab her?!?
  
• DA CHOPPA! How it ended up here? No idea. Why is it being used in a scene when there are so many cars around? Does it matter? We have DA CHOPPA so blast cars!
  

About 3/4 into the movie, we supposedly get to the "good" part. The Cell gave us introspective scenes often. Here, we need to wait for the movie to climax. I am happy to see that things are no longer crap brown, but the effects people went with gritty gray instead. And it's the same shitty, low-budget effects any first year computers' major could pull out of his butt in a couple of minutes.

If you saw The Cell you also know a different voice mod was used when the killer was in his "second" personality, his "God" persona. It helped the idea that there were two different minds in that one body, that the "God" persona was independent from the killer. They tried to pull this trick here as well... only crow knows why. Our killer obviously has no second persona. He is the same ninny in his mind he is in reality. There is no logic in trying to give him a second voice.

Instead, our heroine gets one! From emasculating Lara Croft, she finds something down inside her head that actually deserved a different voice - the Queen of Sabbah in Pantyhose, Great Bitch of the Abyss, Holy Shit We're Doomed. And she gets revenge in full!

As the credits roll, in between more crap-brown landscape, obviously captured from DA CHOPPA because we can see the paddles on the upper side of the screen, we're treated to some more ugly, staple music. And some more generic, meaningless chanting. And scenes from the making-of, about production trying to run one of the cars which seems to have died mid-scene, and the landing of DA CHOPPA after a particularly intense moment (why were these even featured here?!This is the stuff we see when we tune in to the coverage of the filming! This works with outtakes in comedies, not bullshit on a poor thriller!) After which it is finally over.

And I'm left sitting here in this chair, with a few burnt cigarettes and a lot of heartburn from this bastard straight-to-vid child of a half decent movie, wondering whom I can forward my indignation to, to get a refund on the hour and a half of my life I lost here. The movie's only an hour and 20 minutes long, actually. The other ten minutes is footage they shoved in between the credits so people would sit, waiting for something more to happen, and find out who is responsible for this bloody thing. Not that I needed any incentives, mind you. I was gonna sit through the credits anyway to figure out whom I'm adding to my black list.

Seion 'The Fangirl' VS 'Super Hero Squad Show'

My friends, I'm glad to say I have found my calling. I am going to quit my job, buy a whole lotta C4 and a large dildo - a 3 footer, shaped like a dragon's dong, with realistic spurting motion (bet you thought no such thing existed huh? Stick with me, I'm on the internetz). I shall then buy a ticket to the States, stalk Stan Lee for a while until I figure out which cave he's hiding in these days. I will shove the aforementioned dildo up his and hook that baby up to the nearest water source to give him the enema to end all enemas, maybe he'll recover some of his mind back.

I will then rent a car, drive my way to the Disney headquarters, spread a generous layer of the C4 evenly around the building, and blast the thing to the Moon. I will then barricade myself in the crater, hold the company CEO hostage, and my demand for letting him go alive and delivering myself to justice will be that not again, for as long as the company exists, another abomination such as the one below is born.



Seriously. I've started screaming as soon as I laid eyes on it and I'm still screaming on the inside. I saw this on Saturday. My inner child has gone inside the closet again and it's being Hell to get her back out. She's been in there so long in fact I think she turned into Kanye West at this point.

Okay. Usually I'm not one to take things too seriously - some parts of that clip, I accept, are a bit funny ('Tis Hammertime!!). This is also comics after all, and comics are meant for kids, (not all they ain't - you ever heard of Milo Manara? Yeah...) and Marvel has done much bullshit on their own, without Disney's aid. But seriously... "Time to Hero Up?" I'm the first to enjoy parodies of the stuff I like. The Marvel Universe is no exception. My problem: a parody this ain't. This is the new Marvel Universe series for the kiddies - this is to the new generation what the 80's X-Men series was to us. It's being aired. If you thought X-Men: Evolution, the X-Men movies (that one in particular seems to have been written by a 14 year old fanboy with a serious case of the runs) and Wolverine and the X-Men (better than I expected, actually) were a load of crow, take a gander at Disney's approach.

What in the name of all that is good and holy happened?! You're killing my goddamn childhood! The Internet can get away with that, you can't! Come on, Marvel! Even amongst some of the worst plotlines you guys made, you had some meaning. You just tossed it all to crow by chibifying everyone, making it politically correct and jumbling your time, space, character depth and-

Look, I'm not even gonna rant about this. I'm a fangirl, I'm supposed to rant, but I'm gonna stop here. This is a different toon for kids who have a different notion of "great". I'm a 20-something woman, who am I to judge cartoons? Stan Lee lost his mind, Marvel lost its balls and shit's marketed to brats to whom the concept of "old-school cartoon" means Dexter's Laboratory. Different generation, that's it. Back then we liked different stuff, this is actually what kids nowadays want to see... shit, this generation blows. It took us years to see some blood in Marvel comics that actually looked like blood, and now this.

Ah. And obviously we have a different notion of what a "cool theme song" is, too. Biker Mice From Mars had a cool theme song. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had a cool theme song. The Ghostbusters had THE theme song. Hanna Barbera's Swat Kats had a better theme song. Street Sharks blew the big one as cartoons went, it had a better theme song than that! Seion out!

'Dante's Inferno' First Impressions - A Demo

Seion loves deadlines. She especially loves the whooshing sound deadlines make when they go by. Which would explain the obscene lack of updates to this blog. I know you expect a movie review from me, and I have kept myself active, but allow me to pull you aside for a moment and rant about something. Yeah, you and me in the corner, all excitedly, as if we were going treasure-hunting.

As a working person, I never have any money. All my funds, which I work very hard for, usually go into maintaining my house and person in good order, and crow knows I fail at even that at times. Since I don't have any wealthy relatives, despite having a PS3, I don't have a lot of games. This can be a problem, once I get tired of leaping out of hay to slit people's throats. Assassin's Creed is fun, but everything gets old. My brother and I seemingly also make a sport out of torturing ourselves with games we cannot purchase, we decided to go to the PS3 store and download a couple of demos, amongst which was once of the most discussed games that came to the platform - Dante's Inferno. We did this in an attempt to figure out, in our current financial status, which games we should spend gold with, and which can wait... I'm sorry to say we reached a conclusion with this one. Step away O ye of impressionable nature, for ravaging SPOILERS lurk below.

Having seen a review by Yahtzee at The Escapist Magazine, some four thousand webcomic parodies and enough YouTube clips to choke a horse on the game, I am led to believe my first impression of the game is accurate. Yahtzee labels some games as "like God of War but", and this one is simply "like God of War". Let's put it like this: I didn't even have to look at controls. The same battle rhythms. The same sort of finishers. And we further proved it by downloading the God of War 3 demo after we were done. Let's get one thing straight: slap a helmet on Kratos and give him something bulkier and more ridiculous for a weapon, change the warpaint into your Mum's doily sewn to the chest, bang, we have Dante.

On that weapon and how he acquires it, I also have something to say, mind you. I was raised with Castlevania, and if you played the right ones, seeing the Reaper as a boss is nothing new. In fact, at some point, the Reaper became the boss before final by excellence. This happens because, of course, if Death is the boss before the final one... who the Hell is worse than Death?! That's something to sweat about. Furthermore, notice you never killed Death. You defeated Death. That's mandatory in Castlevania because well... a vampire is a living corpse. You sorta need to beat Death to achieve that. Killing Death gives way to a lot of questions, namely, if Death dies, how will anyone else ever die now? And yes, I know there's this Family Guy episode where that sort of happens.

So your game begins, if the demo is to be trusted, with Dante in the Crusades, spreading whoopass to whatever moves in pretty much the same way his ancestor Kratos did a few centuries in the past... he hops onto a ledge and after kicking every available ass in his field of vision, in comes an assassin (and not an overly skilled one, mind you) who goes stabitty in his back and runs away giggling like a little girl. (You know, this sort of scene always makes me facepalm: there is a guy who is virtually untouchable, kills everything that even faintly breathes within four miles of him, and then some douchebag with a dagger runs in, stabs him, and gets out of scene. Just like that, you're dead. It's just stupid.) The Reaper promptly shows up to tell Dante that the bishop gave him a load of crow: his sins in the Crusades are not excused, and so he's going to Hell. But Dante doesn't agree. In fact, Dante doesn't play that: he pulls the dagger from between his shoulder blades and decides to kick the Reaper's ass.

Right here, we have a problem. Seriously, game developers. Death is the FIRST boss?! What are you hoping to accomplish? What are you telling me, as a gamer? That every single boss from here on will be worse than Death? I've been playing for ten minutes for crow's sake, set your standards a little lower... oh wait. You would be telling me that... if Death in Dante's Inferno wasn't the puniest thing that ever went into a game since fat guys in leotards stopped being called as enemies, circa early 90's!

Let's go back to Castlevania's incarnations of the Reaper. One thing the series taught us was, as Ash used to say in Army of Darkness: Death is a bitch. A stupid bitch. Death is a creature that stays away from you for the sole reason that it has no motive to stay close by... it can attack you from a distance. It's a pain in the butt just to get close enough, and if you do get close enough, it's another pain to score a hit, and when you eventually do score a hit, you feel like you just nicked at the side of the robe it wears! When Death hits you, however, and it will, repeatedly and with great intensity, your HP bar behaves as if it just had an intimate encounter with a rabid wolverine. This is a fight with Death. Fuck around, the Reaper don't. In Dante's Inferno, Death gets its bony ass turned into an ashtray for a Florentine crusader! You defeat the Reaper in the same way you defeat anything else: bash it into a pulp. It stays conveniently close to you, as if it wasn't carrying a five foot scythe. No barriers, no armors, no mystical unwordly powers shield it from your mortal weapons. And then you disarm it, get the scythe (and let me just slip this in: touching the scythe should mean instant death. That's what it's there for), and the bullshit really begins. Death begs for help from your ass-kicking. Let me remind you that this happens within 20 minutes of you turning on the console and popping the game in. What happened?!

Not only did you discredit the moolah-mogul of next-to-final bosses, you have also set a tone for the rest of the goddamn game. If we managed to kick some Zeus ass within the first level of the first God of War, what could the producers possibly throw at you that you find awesome? Congratulations, you're the badass to end all badasses. Now go get a sandwich, step outside and find yourself a life.

Try to see this from my perspective. I'm not even gonna go with the "if you killed Death, how do people die now?" Within 20 minutes, I defeated Death. Now these producers will have to run really hard and really far to impress me. Death is the most powerful force in the Universe, in that even Gods can die - try to make me feel awesome now. You just killed my perspective of this whole game. It's like if I'm playing any Silent Hill and God is my first boss. I just killed the biggest mother in this game. What else can possibly pose a threat?

Alas, Dante survives his encounter with Death (pretty much in the same way any four year old with a baseball bat would) and goes home. To find someone killed his lass and she's on her way to Hell. See, Beatrice decided to do the nasty with Dante, figuring he'd remain faithful. Since Dante was given a free for doing whatever the fuck he wanted in the Crusades, well... he did. Which by some obscure law of Christianity I wasn't aware of makes her a whore and so she's going to Hell. Dante doesn't even give half a fuck about who did this: well, she's dead anyway, might as well try to fix my part of the screwing up. So he starts chasing after her soul.

So... why did she go to Hell again? For the sin of lust, that makes sense. She was doomed from the moment, however, if I know my religion... supposedly, if she did the hokey pokey and she wasn't married, that's a trip downstairs regardless if the other part of the couple's faithful or not. Why is Dante to blame for this? If you guys needed a reason for him to go to Hell, why not the original one? She died, he simply wants to see her! Where does the obligation come from?

Although let me sneak this in: I did like the animation parts of the demo. That was cool. Mute out the music on that and take a look. Yum.

These were my first impressions of Dante's Inferno, and this is why I find that playing demos without the actual game is tricky. A demo is good when you need to pick between two buys, for instance. And I'm sorry to say I have some five or six games I would definately buy before this one. You killed Death in a demo, man!! Show's over! Now I've heard art design is quite good, and one of the reasons to play the game is the look of everything. After seeing concept art and YouTube vids, I truly believe it. But graphs don't make the game, son - they make a game that generates awesome wallpapers for your computer, but they don't make the game. Unless there is something really very good up this game's sleeve, I doubt it will be able to impress me after I, and once again, killed Death in the first 20 minutes of gameplay!! That is all. And if you mean to flame me, find me a copy of the whole thing, and I'll review it, let's see who was right.

A Lack of Updates...

Yes, I know I'm late. Working nights leaves little room for updates (at least until I find me a notebook). Seion is still going strong however, reading plenty of books, checking plenty of comics, watching a lot of movies. In fact, I've just gotten the uncut version of Dune, and soon I hope to have a list of horror movies to take spitting aim at. I'm hoping that soon, soon, my breaks come more regularly and more updates will follow. For now, a gift.


Here's a cute page from the comic book adaptation of R.A. Salvatore's Exile, sequel to Homeland in the Legend of Drizzt saga. The book is very recommendable as a fantasy key work with a fantasy key character (I'm talking of course about Zaknafein - everyone who thinks Drizzt ain't half as awesome as we expected lift your arm! .... no? Well. Artemis Entreri. That is all.)

The Three R's That Destroy Horror Movies

As a fan of the genre, I know a good call when I see one, like the fact they picked Jamie Lee Curtis for H20 and decided to stop faffing about with the Halloween franchise and finally be serious. Likewise, I also know the bad ones when they start to stink. Namely, every Halloween they did after the second movie, before and after H20. Over the years, I have compiled and double-checked the many ways in which one can wreck a horror movie, or any movie. And I'm here today to tell you about the three R's that destroy a franchise beyond repair, and which have become very common these past few years.

The three R's that destroy horror flick franchises (as well as several other genres) are as follow and color-coded by offensive force: the Remake, the Refresh and the Reboot. There are plenty other traits that will kill, cook and eat a movie, but these are particularly pungent. And I decided to approach them because they're basically three different aspects of horror modernizing, and have become as common as coffee for breakfast in the past decade or so... unfortunately, all symptoms point that this will happen in the present decade a lot as well.

The Remake: Fanboy-ism at its Best

Strangely, out of the worse things someone could do to a horror movie, a Remake is not the worst. If you came into the article waiting for me to bitch and moan about every single remake I saw being shit compared to the original, however, you did come to the right place. I am yet to see one remake that does best than the original movie did.

Remakes happen because most of our iconic horror comes from the 80's or 90's, or even further back in time. Jason Vorhees, Mike Myers, Freddy Krueger, Chucky, anything related to or nodding at The Exorcist, the works. This new generation's horror icons are the Jigsaw Killer, the crazy bitch from Ju-On and the rest is generic. And this is fine. However, most people young enough to be directing belong to the past generation, and they wish to somehow bring their icons into the modern days. Why? I haven't the faintest. Maybe because they were big back then and these directors are striving to keep them alive. Maybe because they're horror purists and still believe CGI is the work of the Devil (and in some movies, it is).

Ultimately, perhaps, because the things that kept you awake at night back then can't hold a candle to the things that keep this generation awake at night. This is the generation that finds The Exorcist a shitty movie, when there were people fainting in the theatre at the debut. This is the generation that shrugs at the classics and doesn't find them scary. And so, in comes someone, be it a studio looking to make a buck, or a fanboy of the franchise (Rob Zombie, I'm looking at you) who decides to remake an old horror movie, and make it so it will scare the living shit out of the new generation. So basically, a remake is a fan's way to homage his fandom, and there's nothing wrong with that. Wait. Yes there is.

Remakes are a by-product of fanboy-ism not unlike fanart or fanfiction, with the difference it's absolutely legal and profitable. If you check, most remakes were made by the same kind of person who does comic book adaptations: the guy who walks in to an interview and the first thing he says is "I used to love this when I was a kid", or "It scared the shit out of me when I was younger." The original people behind the horror movie, namely, the ones who make it work then, are all gone or retired. So the fanboy tried to show us how he looked at the thing himself, and what he thought would look cool. And I give, some fanart is slick, some fanfiction is readable, and some of these movies may turn out fine. But instead of using shit everyone else has milked and exploited, why not use those freely flowing creative juices to make up new shit?!

Because we're not sure new shit will make a profit, and we're sure all the fanboys of the same franchise will go and watch a Remake even if out of curiosity. I know this. I'm a fangirl myself. Every time a new Wolverine thing comes out, I must watch it, no matter how shitty I know it is from the start. If anyone else picked up Poison Elves where Drew Hayes left off, I'd read it just because it was Poison Elves and I wanted to see what the new author would make of it. Silent Hill games keep popping out like babies out of a welfare mum, and I keep playing them. And I know they're shitty. So why am I doing it? Because I'm a fangirl and I want more of my chosen franchise no matter how much they maul it! I will read, play, watch and check every new material on my favorites, even if my sole purpose in doing so is checking what manner of bullshit they're injecting into it now. I sat through both Transformers movies because of this. And the directors who do Remakes are people like me: they pick up their favorites and try to do something with them that will homage the original, when they should be working to make up new, good things!

I can't call it a worse offense because I know these people. I'm them. And while some of them are dumbfucks who twist the franchise until we can't recognize it anymore, some others are genuine fans who are well aware their work cannot compare to the original, but tried anyway. It's bad, make no mistake. But read along: it can be worse.

The Refresh - Turning the "Back in the 80's" Into a "Could Happen Tomorrow"

The Refresh is sometimes confused with the Remake, and often a consequence of the aforementioned. We live in a world in constant change: a decade ago, nobody would conceive carrying a computer around everywhere, and two decades ago, not everybody had a cellphone. GPS became popular in the past decade, but only a few had access to it when it first showed up. When I was young, house alarms costed a fortune, so my parents just bought better locks and sturdier doors, and my father kept a bat by the side of his bed. We lived in a bad neighborhood.

And one thing you see in horror movies all the time (except for the ones who depend on a sci-fi staple for plot and progression) is a lack of modern technology. Surely, if your heroine had a cellphone, she could call for help. Naturally, if they had a GPS, they wouldn't get lost in the woods. Maybe because someone got tired of the brats saying "Uh, like, this would never happen today because we have cellphones to call for help and GPS systems so we won't get lost and electronic house alarms so nobody would get in.", the Refresh was born. Why aren't the old classics scary anymore? Because the new generation can't relate to them. They grew up in a world where you can reach help anywhere through your cellphone. These days, it's rare to find a spot that doesn't have network coverage. So yeah - this would never happen to them.

Refresh is making the movie that was happening in the 80's happen today. So we can show the brats that technology can't help them, and yes, this could still be you running in the dark from a guy with a power saw. Plus how will they relate to people who were popular in the 80's but now look like dorks to everyone under the age of sixteen? They'll never root for the hero like this, so they won't be scared. This is fine: we're becoming up to date.

No, it's not fine. You just took a film out of context and tried to force-fit it into the new generation. You ruined the film for those who knew the original context, and still can't reach the newer generation because they simply aren't scared of those things anymore. They're desensitized, they need things they never saw before, as opposed to things they're familiar with ever since they were born! And doing a refresh implies you expect the audience to take this "newer" version as the canon one, and forgetting the other fifteen movies the franchise had before. It's a way to spew out more sequels that don't fit in with the older ones. Now, in order to make the film work, people in it need to be dumber, and tech needs to fail everytime. Yes, she has a cellphone, but no battery. Yes, there's a GPS, but they lost it in a stupid way. Yes, there's Internet, but the network just died. Right.

So if you missed your bullseye and disgruntled the ones who saw the originals, what was all this for? Instead, make up new scary shit! Why was Ringu such a success? Or One Missed Call? Because they took advantage of something brats take for granted: tech. It's not tech that fails, it's tech that actually turns against them. This is the key element: find out what scares them and use that! Crow!

The Reboot - Because We're All Better Than The Ones Before Us

Worst offender by far, lowest of the low, most inconsiderate, most uncreative, public enemy numero uno, the dickhead to end all dickheads.

First and foremost, franchises should be allowed to die. And die gracefully. Friday the 13th has been dying for twenty years. It would appear the studios are trying to make a parallel to Jason himself: it keeps coming back. It was good. But now it's over. That's life. Deal with it.

Now, let us define the Reboot. It's part Remake: pick up something old and try to pay homage to it. It's also part Refresh: make it updated for the newer generation. But it goes further. It canonizes itself. It's not just a new take on something old: it's the item, period. Let me give you a practical example: Star Trek! They picked up an old franchise, one they couldn't milk anymore, and made it so that none of the older stuff fits in with the new one! They basically scrapped everything Star Trek that was ever made, and told the fans, "Oh, from now on, this is how it went. Forget all you've ever known about it, it's useless, doesn't apply anymore, we'll release some more stuff soon." To that I say, go wank in a corner and get outta here!!

What right do these guys have to tell us everything we know and love is crap? What right have they to pick up the creativity of others, the thing others before them did, and push it aside like it meant nothing!? These self-important jerk-offs suddenly come in and say the original people behind a franchise didn't do a good job, think they can do better and without any further ado, release a film that invalidates everything that came before! How can this shit be legal?!

And now you come in and tell me, "But Seion, you wonderful, delicate flower, Star Trek and other reboots do recognize the old stuff. Star Trek needs everything else to make sense. And Shattered Memories is a direct consequence of all other Silent Hill games!" And I answer you can go wank in the same corner as the others, buster. Let franchises die! I would rather never see anything Star Trek in my life again, than see some asshole pushing the Reboot button on it and hoping I will take his work as the canonical start. The same goes for Silent Hill. Imagine I make a Halloween movie. And instead of respecting everything the past ones have set, I just say Mike Myers was really an alien and so that explains why he's unkillable (oh - and someone tried to do that, in fact. Twice!). Just so I can make the story fit my own conventions and milk the franchise a little more! Again: let franchises die! Stop picking them up from the death bed and butt-fucking them to inject some life force into them anally, and then introducing them as new!

Halloween is the very worst offender as Reboots go. They tried to revive it by changing the story and scrapping all the crap in the past twice. It did not work. So why keep doing it? Let it die, wank in the corner for a while, come up with new stuff, and then come back to me!

Murphy's Laws - General

Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will...
McGillicuddy's Corollary: ...At the worst possible moment.
Revision of Murphy's Law According to Timespan: If anything can go wrong, it went wrong already. You just haven't been notified.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first to go wrong. We call this Murphy's Law of Priority.

If you perceive four ways in which things can possibly go wrong and take measures to prevent it, a fifth instance, unprepared for, will promptly develop. We call this Murphy's Law of Foresight.

Left to themselves, things will go from bad to worse. We call this Murphy's Law of Inertia.

The greater the value of an item, the greater the probability it will be damaged (eg: your best rug will be the one the cat will pick to throw up on). We call this Murphy's Law of Value.

The greater the value of an object, the greater the probability that it will fall in a place of difficult or impossible access (eg: your favorite earrings behind the washer). We call this Murphy's Law of Selective Gravity. Addendums to this law: when an object falls in a hard to reach spot, it will always be just milimeters away from your reach. And if it isn't, when you first reach for it, you will push it back that precise distance. Exception to the law: if you drop something in a bathroom, regardless of the bathroom's size, where you stand and what the object is, it will gravitate towards the bowl. We call this Murphy's Exception of Toilet Vacuum.

The greater your desire or need for an item, the greater the probability you won't find it anywhere for sale. Likewise, the less money you lack to buy it, the greater the probability it will be everywhere (eg: when you need just a couple of euros to make the price of a game, it'll be everywhere. As soon as you acquire them, however, the thing will simply vanish from the stores). We call this Murphy's Law of Supply and Demand.

The likeliness of doing something awesome is inversely proportional to how many onlookers you have. (eg: you can juggle like crazy in your bedroom, alone and at obscene hours of the night, but it never comes out right in front of your friends). Likewise, the chance of any stunt or deed backfiring and hurting you is proportional to how many onlookers you have (eg: the more people watching, the more likely you are to be hurt). As an addendum, how badly hurt you are is also proportional to how many people are watching you get hurt (eg: the more people, the more pain). We call this Murphy's Law of Observation.

The likeliness of you saying something stupid, dumb, inconsiderate or otherwise damaging to your reputation is directly proportional to how much you want to impress the people around you. In the same sense, the likeliness of this sentence being forgotten is proportional in reverse to how much you wish it was forgotten. We call this Murphy's Law of Memory.

Whatever you want, you can't have. Whatever you can have, you don't want. We call this Murphy's Law of Possession.

No degree of acceptance can ever change the facts. I.e., you may come to terms with being fucked, but nevertheless, you're still fucked. We call this Direct Consequence of Murphy's Law.

The amount of matter you have will be proportional to in how small a space it must be kept. (eg: no matter how big your house is, you always have too much junk to keep in there). We call this Murphy's Law of Area. Should you correct the aforementioned by throwing away some matter, matter will expand in time to go back to the original state (eg: if you toss all excess junk away, you will somehow acquire more junk that must be kept inside the house, therefore returning to the same situation). We call this Addendum of Expansive Crap.

The easier something seems in theory (be it manuals, formative classes, courses, instructions, tutorials or any other means of teaching you how to do it), the more complicated it will become in practice. We call this Murphy's Law of Education.

Regardless of the weather forecast or if there are or not clouds in the sky, the likeliness of rain is greater on the precise day you forgot your umbrella. We call this Murphy's Law of Weather.

If your action has a 50% chance of being correct, you will be wrong 75% of the time. We call this Murphy's Law of Probability.

The likeliness of any situation getting worse than it already is (or getting worse faster), is directly proportional to someone saying one of the sentences listed below. We call this The Summoning of Murphy's Gremlins.

• "What are the odds of (insert worse situation here) happening?" -Darkflare's Law
• "There's nothing else to go wrong."
• "I've been on a bad luck spree, so now good luck will come." (it has in fact been proved that if you are in a bad luck spree, you're likely to stay in it. We call this Murphy's Law of the Möebius Strip. As an addendum, it is also documented that if you think you're out of the bad luck spree, that just means Murphy has someone bigger than you to bother.)
  
• "It can't get worse." / "It can only get better."
  
• "What could possibly go wrong?"
• "It will get better from here on."
• "What's next?" (it has been documented that either if you suggest a worst possible outcome or not, things will get worse just the same. It has also been suggested that providing outcomes at this point usually causes for the outcome you predicted to be skipped in detriment of something even worse.)
  

Given time, one will develop a sense of how Murphy's Law will act. As soon as one is able to predict how it will act, the law will change ever so slightly to avoid the individual's expectations. We call this Murphy's Syndrome, and it causes the Direct Consequence listed above.

A final note: And in the eighth day, God said: OK Murphy, you take over!

For Saint Seiya Fans: The Bronze Saint Victory Charts

Pegasus Seiya's Method
Step 1 - Arrive acting exactly your age: goof about, be overconfident, boast, threaten, brag, assume all the traits of the "party leader", make like you're the Gods' gift to this troop.
Step 2 - Realize your best hit can't touch this guy and have about a minute's worth of complete panic. Give the enemy a chance to explain to you why it failed, because, you know, they always do that and you could use the hint.
Step 3 - Make like you're a sandbag for the enemy and get hit like it was getting out of fashion.
Step 4 - Have an epiphany. Doesn't matter where it comes from. Depending on the season, your source may be Athena, your Master, your estranged sister, your Cosmo, your friends or repeating several lines about your duty and how you can't let everyone down now.
Step 5 - Depending on the season, either don the Sagittarius cloth, don the Sagittarius cloth with added parts borrowed from the other Saints or find a new hidden sense in your cosmo, no matter how many you have as it is. Your goddamn cosmo spawns new senses the way slum mothers spawn children: often, insistently and almost without noticing.
Step 6 - Win the fight by yourself, in one hit. Preferably the same that failed at the beginning.
Step 7 - Do some sexual tension scenes with Athena. Hug your friends. Cry. Spend a week in the hospital being pestered by orphan kids and that girl who likes you.

Andromeda Shun's Method
Step 1 - Get to the match crying over your brother's absence and dreading the fact you've gotta fight.
Step 2 - Show your opponent some attacks so he has a chance to tell us the Andromeda cloth is one of the most powerful, if not the ubermost powerful, of the Zodiac.
Step 3 - Be tossed around by the opponent like a rag doll, looking even more like a girl in Barbie pink armor. Think of your brother.
Step 4 - Get beaten. Yell for your brother.
Step 5 - Get beaten. Yell for your brother and claim you can't do this by yourself.
Step 6 - Watch as your brother saves your sorry butt AGAIN, and get scolded about never fighting your own fights. Unless this is the later seasons, completely ignore him.
Step 7 - Watch your brother leave and go seek the next guy whose arse your brother has to kick for you. In case an ally is fallen, further reinforce you're a guy who looks like a girl in an armor that only a girl should've worn by lying down next to him.

Cygnus Hyoga's Method
Step 1 - Go to the fight quietly and appear mature.
Step 2 - Throw in a few good punches, get a few good hits, and keep at it until someone mentions your Mother or your Master.
Step 3 - Go angsty over the fact Mama is at the bottom of the sea or someone iced your master (HA!), depending on what the enemy picked. Note: Should your enemy force you to revive these events by illusion or flashback, get totally into it and whine like a little girl.
Step 4 - Get distressed, whine, lose your concentration and get your nose punched in several times over, in this order.
Step 5 - Call out to Mama, Master or the Master's Master, depending on what season you're in, and whine some more.
Step 6 - Beat your opponent into a pulp by drawing strenght from your despair.
Step 7 - Whine, whine and whine until the audience is sick of you, and then whine some more. Enough for people to assume that had this series be set in modern days, you would most likely be portrayed as a member of the emo tribe. Be perfectly okay and calm for the next conflict.

Dragon Shiryu's Method
Step 1 - Get to the site and boast about in how many pieces you'll be sending your opponent back home. In a respectful and honorable manner of course.
Step 2 - Get the living shit beaten out of you for a whole episode at least.
Step 3 - Strip (this step may be taken before or after steps 4 and 5) and show off your dragon tattoo.
Step 4 - Lose an amount of blood you could fill an Olympic pool with (this step may be taken before or after steps 3 and 5).
Step 5 - If you are blinded at the moment (highly likely), open your eyes like you could see and vacantly stare at the distance for several close shots. If you are not blinded, go blind somehow (this step may be taken before or after steps 3 and 4).
Step 6 - Get the shit beaten out of you a while longer, and eventually win with a single punch that could throw down an entire New York block.
Step 7 - Drop on the floor and bleed quietly until you either regain your strength, your sight, or someone comes in to pick you up. Priority goes to the last option.

Phoenix Ikki's Method
Step 1 - Find somewhere quiet to stay, preferably where nobody goes to bother you. An active volcano in the middle of nowhere is good.
Step 2 - Sit there being awesome and "lone wolf" like for most of the fighting, until both Saints and the audience are tired of wondering when you're gonna show up.
Step 3 - If your brother calls, wait another thirty minutes and then go to his aid before he gets his ass handed to him. If anyone else does, wait fifteen minutes and go show them how it's done.
Step 4 - Arrive to the battle site and beat the shit out of your opponent. If your brother was the one to call for your help, scold him. If not, completely ignore your allies for the duration of the fight.
Step 5 - Ultimately defeat your opponent in the most badass way available.
Step 6 (optional) - Should you die, shrug it off and pat away the dust from your cloth. You're the Phoenix Saint, man! You're like the curse in Ju-On, it just won't die!
Step 7 - Go back to your seat and stay there. Wait until someone is about to get killed horribly and repeat.

Athena's Method
Step 1 - Stay at a distance and pay aid to your Saints by manner of some God-leveled power which only does half the job, and that's if they know how to properly use it.
Step 2 - Pull a Princess Peach and get kidnapped and taken far the fuck away. Atop a set of stairs that could make Rocky quit is good. Somewhere in a frozen wasteland too. Bottom of the sea? Why not. Hell? Ohoho, you totally got it...
Step 3 - Socialize with the enemy. Because, you know, a lady's gotta have manners.
Step 4 - Pray for your Saints. To whom, I wonder? You're a Goddess, lady, who are you gonna pray to? Well, pray anyway.
Step 5 - Socialize with the enemy some more. What else is there to do, anyway? If it's a man, take the chance to practice your flirting skills. If it's a woman, be a passive-aggressive bitch all the time you're there.
Step 6 - See your Saints arrive and do the epic last battle while you hold onto your staff and look pretty.
Step 7 - Just before they manage to retrieve you, get kidnapped again. The "We're sorry, but our Princess is in another castle" line is optional. From here on, forget step 1 for the duration of the series.

Silent Hill is dead. Someone shoot the refresh.

Well folks, it's hard to admit it when a good franchise dies. Or a fairly decent franchise with a top dog game, but you know where I'm getting. It's time to pull out the gun and shoot Silent Hill out of its misery, and having been a fan for so long and over so many years, it might as well be me. It had been pretty obvious since the fourth title that this was going nowhere. But Silent Hill's fifth instance (not 0rigins, mind you, that wasn't exactly great, but it wasn't god-awful either) and its newest bastard child, Shattered Memories, can be truly interpreted as the signs the final Seal is opened, and it's all downhill from here. Now let me make something perfectly clear: I have not played Shattered Memories. I know how the plot goes, I've seen others play and I've seen a few walkthroughs. But I know Silent Hill, and I know what isn't, and well, do the maths.

A tendency has manifested itself lately, in movies such as the new Star Trek, to "reset" franchises long gone in a vague attempt at resurrecting them from the dead. Instead of having everyone downloading the original works or remaking them, people seem to now opt for re-doing things. "This is how it would look like if I had thought of it today". Well, I didn't have much to say about the new Star Trek, although if you were at the theater with me, you probably heard me bitch and moan by the movie's end. The same goes for Silent Hill, sadly. Shattered Memories has been called a "refresh" on the series instead of a "remake". I call it a "reset". We all know any other game coming out will go by this one's standards, since Shattered Memories is now... "the modern first"... how did we get to this? Sit down for a while and keep an eye on the SPOILERS, child, I'll tell you.

Konami had a good thing going, back in the day where you could suggest things to people in video games without them trying it in real life, and without seven hundred and nineteen members of Mommies Against Video Games coming to TV to whine and spoil the ride for those of us who are actually sane. There were plenty of titles that made you play against all types of monster, shooting all that moved like bullets were being given away with gum, but very few had the gruesome, passive-aggressive hatred lying in Silent Hill. Back then, they introduced a simple story, not unlike those you have seen in plenty of horror movies throughout the years: death cult, missing child, hero daddy, yadda yadda yadda. On the surface, the game was plain like your breakfast porridge. It was only when you began to sit down and actually think a little about what you saw that the complexity behind the game began to unveil.

Its sequel is arguably the peak of the series. Once again, and perhaps more so than on the first title, not a single aspect of the game was left to chance: the monsters had meaning, the people had meaning, pretty much everything and anything you saw during the game was tied in with the idea they wanted to reveal, and the twist came as a true shock for many of us. The more you play it, if you did, the more you can tie in those messages. It was a work of crow-damned-video-game art. We aren't sure if Konami planned all of Silent Hill 2's tie-ins, but even if it didn't, there was enough material to establish a consistent, logical interpretation. And, of course, the prime aspect of the first game was maintained: ambiance. The town of Silent Hill. The fog, the dark, the noises, the unnerving soundtrack. As I see it, this is something other games of the same period never managed to pull.

On came Silent Hill 3, because something worth doing is worth doing three times. And because so many of the fans didn't truly grasp the meaning of the first game, thus needing a sequel that would provide an answer to all of those questions. It's still a Silent Hill, and still adored by many. Unfortunately, it would pretty much be the last instance you'd see of it. Because Konami thought something worth doing is also worth screwing. On came The Room.

I repeat this every time the game is mentioned, and this is how my friends know I have a problem. As a standalone game, The Room could've pulled it. As a part of Silent Hill, it looks like something made at the last minute to resemble the rest of his brothers and sisters from afar. That's probably because, this is exactly the case. The Room was made as a standalone, and only crammed into Silent Hill when Konami started fearing the game wouldn't stand on its own two feet. My questions: a) when in Silent Hill did we ever have ghosts attacking?, b) how is this Silent Hill if we never even go to Silent hill, and c) a limit to items that can be carried? No flashlight? No radio? I'm not saying that it's bad on its own, on the contrary, the game is fairly entertaining and has that delicious gruesomeness we usually go to Silent Hill to find, but it would've been a perfectly decent game on its own. In order to cram it into the series, they picked one of the most farfetched missing links the history of Silent Hill ever had: a guy who killed himself with a spoon in prison, whom we only know from Silent Hill 2.

0rigins... was odd. With Silent Hill 5 already in the making, and the clear notion that this was not only a prequel but borrowed greatly from the asinine movie adapted from the series, we the fanpeople expected the worst. It was actually much more decent than either The Room or the fifth title, as I see it. Because... this is Silent Hill! We're in the town, puzzles must be solved, enemies must be avoided, and we can walk around with fourteen portable TVs and nine toasters in the same menu. It's actually an improvement from its predecessor. Hell, I can even live with the fact Travis can sucker-punch his foes and we have control over the swap between the normal town and Dark Silent Hill. While the game looks rather incomplete - you can easily see a lot was scrapped from the original plans - it was still good to play. And crow knows it had critics: the presence of the Butcher as an attempt to duplicate the success made with Pyramid Head actually makes sense from the story's perspective: James had Pyramid Head because he needed a punisher, and Travis has the Butcher because that is what haunts him! It surely made a lot more sense that Pyramid-chan's appearance in the fifth.

And oh crow, the fifth! Again, Konami missed the hole by about a mile and a half with this one. Pyramid Head's appearance was pure catering to fans, ultimately destroying any sense the entity might've made in the past. Again, most of the game isn't spent in the town of Silent Hill. Like with The Room, the connections to the series are so tiny you only very briefly heard about them. And while I do accept Travis' emotional luggage in 0rigins as rather well-made, Alex Shepherd's is so in the face it ends up not being fun at all. It's a half-assed game, with half-assed motivations and a half-assed plot, on a series of games well-known for its character depths, its amazing ambience and its near-flawless plots. I hated it.

And so we reach Shattered Memories on a long line of major titles released in the franchise. Where do I begin...?

Up first, and with just E3 information to base my claims on, I thought I would criticize a lot of things. No combat, the fact that it's a "refresh", no monster variety, loss of a lot of depth, the works. But it's way worse than I figured. This is not a refresh, it's the ultimate death of the mystery.

All this history of the town of Silent Hill as a holy place, the cult, Alessa, it's all gone. The ambiance is gone, there is no longer a lingering, passive-aggressive hatred, no uneasiness anymore. The fog is gone, and has been replaced by icebergs that spawn out of nowhere - a very aggressive change if I may say so myself. All that underlying bit that made a name for Silent Hill has been tossed aside like yesterday's diapers. But wait. We haven't gotten to the worst part. Sure, the game has a lot of problems... the puzzles are rather nice at times, with a few (very simple) heads-up to the original title (replacing the piano puzzle, which was the cross of many Silent Hill players up to then, with a toy piano puzzle. Ingenious or proof that the more mankind evolves, the dumber they get?)... the lack of combat seems to be a standard in horror games these days, more and more. Seems "get out of dodge" is a more likely reaction to something horrifying than "I beat it with my lead pipe!". Still, most original characters are there, even if simply to take a nod at the original game. This seems like a game made out of inside jokes between Silent Hill fans... maybe that's exactly what it's supposed to be, I figured, and that's not as bad as just another shitty title.

After a while watching, though, I just assumed they were just poking fun at the original game.

Dahlia, chief of the Silent Hill cult and mother to Alessa? A punkish high-schooler. Kaufmann, another high-profile member of the cult and responsible for the traffic of the drug White Claudia? Your psychiatrist, actually trying to help you. Nurse Lisa has one of the worse cameos ever thought of for a "refreshed" character. There is no Alessa. What the fuck am I looking at here?!

And then the epic twist Konami seems to have decided to include in every single Silent Hill since fans went batshit bonkers with the second title: it's all in Cheryl's head. The ice, Harry Mason's quest, all things happening in town, everything is in Cheryl's head. Yeah, it seems they accepted the worst ending of the original title as canon and Harry died in that car crash, and then his daughter hallucinated the rest on the course of several years of denial and making up. What...? So... Silent Hill is a completely normal town? It's not even a ghost town, since real people live there? What...?

And you know what actually grinds my gears? You know what actually pisses me off in Shattered Memories from what I've seen of it? The fact Konami decided to claim the game psychologically analyses you. Meaning, different aspects of the game change according to your answers to a series of psychological tests. To this, I do have something to say.

A few years ago, when the PS entered the market, I bought a puzzle game for my Mum called Puzzle Bubble 4. I bought it because my Mum actually liked to play that sort of game. One of the features of the game was the fact that when you finished one of the campaign modes, you had a tarot reading done by the system. It only covers the amorous life, but my Mum enjoyed shooting bubbles to solve puzzles and found that feature funny. She had her tarot read several times. Even today, if she happens to fire it up, she will go for the tarot reading. Why am I telling you this story? Because the tarot reading my Mum so enjoyed is about as accurate as the psychological profiling done by Shattered Memories. Namely, it's a cute feature, but not to be taken seriously.

Psychologically profiling a person based on her answers to a couple of tests and questions? Damn, why are there even psychiatrists?

Why do it like this? Is the game supposed to be made to fit me? And you know what bothers and scares me based on the answer to a few simple questions? Why so obvious, Konami? Why not move the game according to choices made in game? Oh right... because then you'd have to sacrifice the whole psychiatrist bit and lose your ending twist that invalidated Silent Hill as we all knew it. So you gave us a painfully obvious game mode to aid in your ugly-as-sin ending twist! How am I not supposed to be. Pissed. Off. My. Brains?!

... alright. So. My final diagnosis. Shattered Memories can be fun, and it does contain a series of inside jokes to Silent Hill fans, provided you decide to approach it as a game made in honor of a better one. This is the only way a true blue fan of Silent Hill can enjoy it. If you never heard of Silent Hill, find the first title and play that, and then the two first sequels, before you drive head first into this sorry piece of crow. I promise any of those three games are well worth your time, and will make you feel like you're playing a game. Shattered Memories wins plenty from being on the Wii, since this is likely the best way to play it - you may enjoy a lot of what the Wii has to offer for this one, and it will improve your gaming experience. Not by much, but with this one, all help is needed.

To all of you who know and love the original series, don't come here looking for Silent Hill. It's not the same. Hell, more of the usual would be welcome here! Using the same basis, several more stories like James Sunderland's could be told, with different approaches. I can point you several decent horror movies which have gone by with one basis and several different plots! 0rigins did it, so can others! Now open a beer, and pour a couple of drops for this franchise, toast to it, and chug it down. Sometimes we just have to admit it - it's not coming back.

'Avatar'

There are many tried-and-true formulas for movie making. Some have been repeated so often they stink to high heavens, but continue to be used still. Hollywood is all about cash, movies with a gigantic budget need to originate equally gigantic box office income. No matter how much innovation you're willing to put into a movie, when the chips are down and the dollars must somehow show up, you'll open the movie plot drawer to seek something you know from the start will work for you.

Avatar is one of these cases of tried-and-true formulas used on a different context. You may in fact have seen this movie already, only with less special effects. It goes more or less like this: a wheelchair-bound Marine is sent to a far-away planet called Pandora to participate in a special program that will have him control a fake body that slightly resembles the ones of natives (the Na'Vi) as if it was his own. While his mission is to make friends with the natives so he can peacefully kick them out of their home later, he ends up turning bravely against his own species in defense of this amazing new world.

James Cameron is the man behind it all... you may remember him from awesome things like Aliens (1986) and Terminator 2 (1991), and from not so great things like Titanic (1997). Playing our paraplegic Marine is Sam Worthington from (oh crow!) Terminator Salvation (2009), Zoe Saldana, who was Uhura in the new Star Trek (2009) plays the chief's daughter. You will see also Sigourney Weaver (from Aliens and a shitload other movies) and Stephen Lang (who was Charles Winstead in Public Enemies, 2009) as the colonel Miles Quaritch. Watch out for SPOILERS in fake Na'Vi bodies from here on, by the way, because I don't plan on being merciful either.

When I say the movie is predictable, I mean predictable. Let's put it like this: you can tell the end of Avatar, as well as its whole development, based on the first fifteen minutes of the flick. Hell, you can go at it from the trailer alone. They tell you there's this wheelchair-bound Marine called Jake Sully who will be given the chance to use legs again (instead of his own, those of a giant furry blue cat-like creature, but legs nonetheless). Right here, you know he'll be biased when it comes to his mission. Even the promise that he will have his legs again after the mission is completed seems futile in comparison to the body-switch: this guy has legs the size of toothpicks, atrophy has clearly installed and it'll take him months, years of recovery to be able to walk again. In seconds, he can be inside the body of an athletic, fully functional, strong as a bull creature. Imagine your PC is busted, and you know it'll take months to fix and will never be like it was before the bust. You can have a new one - are you really gonna try to fix the later? Of course you're not! You're gonna go out running like a crazy blue furry instead!

One of the biggest failures of this film was convincing the audience that Jake actually had an interest, at some point, in completing his mission to the end. From movie start, you know he'll kick the army in the ass at the first chance. And the first chance comes soon enough, when Jake gets lost in the woods and is conveniently found by the chief's daughter, Pocahontas-style. Naytiri is her name and although she doesn't jump down waterfalls, she can go around the tree branches like Prince of Persia on a good day. Now, let's approach this first meeting and all the bullshit it brings.

First and foremost, and since Jake doesn't speak a word of the Na'Vi language, Naytiri conveniently learned English from the first visiting humans, like several of the young adult members of her tribe. Then, she is set to kill Jake, only she never gets around to it because she receives a message from.... the Tree of Souls (gee, didn't Pocahontas receive a hint from her grandma, who happens to be a willow?), which seemingly gave her a "This guy is alright!" heads-up, and so she takes him to the tribe instead. Once there, you find out something you already knew as well: she's the chief's daughter! Of course she is. How else would Jake be accepted into the tribe, if he didn't have the chief's daughter on his side? If she was just some girl, he'd have been killed straight away! Furthermore, Naytiri is promised to a warrior of her tribe she doesn't love, and he and Jake don't exactly hit it off, on the contrary. Because this guy seemingly watched Pocahontas as well and knows Naytiri is gonna fall for the handsome white devil. We're a raccoon short of a Disney movie here, at this point.

And so Jake begins to learn the customs, religion, language and life philosophy of the tribe. Again, we know already Jake has pretty much abandoned his mission unofficially by now. He tells Naytiri, further ahead, that he came here to do this and that but then fell in love with the forest and with her... don't give me any of that. Either this is a very rookie actor who couldn't transmit the message clearly, or the plotline itself told us so. He can be a paraplegic Marine in a concrete jungle or a fully functional Na'Vi in an awesome landscape. Not a difficult choice at all. Not much room for indecision. At any moment of this flick is our hero torn between his duty and his calling.

They say it's very unlikely for him to become a full-fledged member of the tribe. He pulls it.

Then they say that long ago someone tamed the biggest bird in the sky and became top dog of the Na'Vi people in the blink of an eye. Jake does that too.

Even when the cat's out of the bag and the Marines march in to drill, and Jake's kicked out of the tribe for being a snitch, you know very well they will accept him back when he comes flying in, triumphant, atop the largest bird in the crow-damn planet. It's not just accepting him back, either: the only reason why he doesn't order the tribe around already, seeing as Naytiri's father died because of Jake's betrayal, is-

... wait. Naytiri's father died when the Marines marched in? Because at any moment Jake could have told them why they sent him in and kept quiet instead? So... all those Na'Vi, including the father of the one Jake supposedly loves, died because of him, and he's welcome into the tribe no hard feelings? Oh for crow's sake! This is leading the plot where you want it to go. It's not logical at all. Mid-movie, Jake is given the get-out-of-trouble hint, and when he returns with the bird, the Na'Vi forget this is the son of a bitch who got them into trouble in the first place! Naytiri, sister, wake the fuck up. Your daddy died because of this ass, you're A-OK with that just because he brought you back the biggest flyer in the sky and that means, in your tribe, he's cool? This line of plot suggests the Na'Vi are completely dense as their customs are concerned, they don't think or feel, they have traditions and guidelines and those speak louder than everything else! What the eff?!

Finally, we come to the movie's climax: Jake joins up all tribes of Na'Vi and goes against his own people in defense of Pandora. Our stereotype Marine colonel is killed after a long and arduous fight. Jake asks for the aid of the whole nature, and he gets it because he's that awesome. The humans leave Pandora with the exception of Jake and a couple friends who helped him throughout this ordeal, they find a way for Jake to stay in the Na'Vi body forever, it's a wrap.

For you maybe. I'm not easily impressed. It's a bunch of crap, that's what it is.

And sure, effects are awesome. But the movie is 60% CGI and in some places, namely where I saw it, they have it on 3D only. If the effects weren't at least great, Avatar wouldn't have gotten its feet off the ground. Depending on plot only, it would have been a mediocre movie at best. And James Cameron knew this more than well, folks. Avatar was delayed over 15 years precisely because CGI technology couldn't make it good enough for it to have any success. Plenty of people told me the sole reason for watching this was special effects, and I'm tempted to consider it vallid. The plot is a bore, effects are the only thing you came in to see, right?

Well... effects, and one curious approach, which managed to keep me fairly interested for at least twenty minutes out of the whole thing.

The idea that we are all connected and being one with Nature is not new at all, but in Avatar, it was made so that everyone and anyone can grasp it. The connection isn't merely spiritual, it's a physical, palpable thing. Every Na'Vi has a tentacle or sorts protruding from the back of their heads and usually covered in a tress of hair. As do most trees and animals from their environment. What they can basically do, is physically connect themselves with almost everything around them at any given time. This allows them to easily domesticate animals and even control them telepathically. If I want to make a comparison, I could say every Na'Vi is born with a standard USB cable on the back of their heads through which they can interact with anything else that has a similar one.

At some point, they even manage to connect the whole tribe to the planet itself! So... is this like the Internet or what? It's a pretty good approach of the concept, given the movie is intended for people more likely to work with USB than to know something or another about being one with Nature. I speak for myself: it is hard for me to grasp the concept of spiritual connection with everything, but I - and pretty much anyone else - can grasp a physical connection which leads to this spiritual one. Good job here, Cameron! The rest of the plot was recycled from Pocahontas with some Dances With Wolves tossed in for good measure. And you thought we wouldn't notice because most moviegoers these days were born after Dances With Wolves came out. Silly Cameron.

What the Hell. Go watch it. They say some stories are timeless... I say I bore easily. But that's me: Avatar has that nice concept and overall was well-executed, visual effect wise. Try not to think of Pocahontas while you're at it and you'll be okay.